I am going to see people soon, and I am anxious about it. Despite that some people are best friends - some I have known for years too - I just think it will be awkward.
There is social standard for my age group to drink and let go in order to abide by the ultimate ‘rule’: and that is to ‘have fun’
I wouldn’t say I rebel against that but it isn’t a way of living that I am a fan of. I can admit losing friends over this: in the last few months, people may have detected my behaviour as uncool, or thought of me as a let down. My value in a ‘friend’ doesn’t sky-rocket and merge into the number of drunken nights/conversations I have had with them.
For so long I have tried to conform to it. And have felt pressured to do the ‘right’ or ‘healthy’ thing. (Though, an imponderable alcohol intake has never before seemed so healthy).
Parties are cool, but I don’t need them consistently for it to feel as though my life is doing something better than anyone else, who perhaps isn’t partying.
I guess I am an introvent more than anything. It doesn’t make me uncool, or socially awkward or boring or not spontaneous. It just means I am not wasteful, passionate and striving.
If people and their ways bore me, why am I made to feel like the uninteresting one?
If something or someone feels worth it, if I am interested in a topic or a person - I won’t shut up about that, I will always think about them and be loyal.
I am not the type to grab a new bunch of friends after a few months of partying, a few recycled memories.
Oddly enough, I haven’t accepted that that’s okay sooner. But it is. I don’t mind being who I am, I may even like it eventually!